The simple things

For once it is starting to feel like we are actually back in a routine (as I have said before – whatever that is).

My goal this week is to focus on the things that bring me joy/happiness – even during times of stress.

So with that thought the kitchen is cleaner, dinner is finished, table almost cleared off, laundry going in the background, dishwasher ran, projects that will take too much time on hold til the weekend – I am making myself feel accomplished this evening.  (I still have a few things to do before bed but none the less I feel more content with some of those things I listed out of the way.)  I have one of the most ridiculous shows playing the background that for some reason makes me laugh and I have hockey this weekend. I am content this evening.

Monday during my wonderful snow day (yes the dogs and I LOVE snow days) I made a cute little headband/ear warmer  (a picture will have to come later because the ones I have – I look absolutely ridiculous) and spent the day doing laundry and hanging out with the “pups”.  In the last few years those silly two have been such a blessing of love and companionship.  They can drive me up a wall but love to take naps and relax and always seem to know when I am having a bad day.

IMG_6421

In other news, I have to giggle.  J has been really into playing video games lately.  While he goes through times where he will play more often than others – I have to laugh.  I told him earlier that when we first got married that it drove me nuts when he would play video games – now it isn’t that big of a deal.  Sure I am older, we’ve been married longer – I am sure all of that is a factor.  I just find amusement listening to him talk to other guys playing this video game that I could never play if I tried.  I think I will stick with original Nintendo, some Atari and throw in some Wii on occasion for good measure.  When it comes to video games I am very “old school” and simple.  =)

So for this short but happier post I will leave you with a picture that brings a smile to my face. I took it last night as J was taking 3 of our nephews into church.

Pictureatchurch

This picture just warms my heart and makes me happy.  Some days life feels so complicated and our journey at times feels long but I couldn’t go through it with a better guy.  I am thankful for him.

What Is Normal

Grief and emotion are funny.  Each vary per person per situation and in my case “being fine” is in the eye of the beholder.

Nearly a month has passed.  In some ways it has felt like an eternity and in other ways it feels as real and new as yesterday.  I remember mentioning to my ladies bible class a few weeks ago that I had no clue how I would go each day and that I could not promise that my tough exterior would always be present – that my brooding, sad, quiet self would make an appearance.  Apparently that is lately.

In my mind getting up each morning and showing up to work and continuing my life was a “win” if you will.  After talking to a friend earlier this week I don’t know.  My friend, well meaning, pointed out to me that mutual friends think I act mad at them and just unhappy.  I asked her what else could I do – I am physically present, I do what needs to be done but I will admit that at this time going above and beyond like I normally do was just out of the question.

The person people normally see is there but I am just tired. I am not that hyper little girl I normally am who runs around taking care of every little thing/everyone. My favorite place to be at the moment is at home with the dogs and with J.  The last few months have been emotionally exhausting – even my beloved hockey doesn’t always hold my interest (I cannot even remotely keep up with my NHL teams).

I may have moments when I am bummed out but I do what needs to be done.  I go to work, to church, and we go to movies and hockey games.  I make dinner, pick up the house and do laundry.  I am functioning but I will be the first to admit that I am not my hyper self.  Crafting, creating things, running around –  just don’t sound fun to me at the moment.  So with that thought I decided to take a day off this week to relax and sort out some of my feelings.

During my day off I made myself go into our backroom and actually sit (because I can count on one hand the amount of times I have set foot in that room in the last month).  I replayed a song over and over that seems to bring tears to my eyes EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear it.  I sat in the rocking chair and cried. It probably wasn’t as long as it should have been but it helped.  The rest of the day I went back to making plans for the room. I worked on more adoption grants and spent the day resting with the dogs.

In an attempt to go back to normal (because I am not sure what “normal” has been the last three months) I have gone back to ordering fresh fruits and veggies from a co-op and have spent the last week trying new healthier recipes (though I did make brownies last night).  Right now I am cooking a whole chicken in the crock pot (not sure how this is going to turn out).  Small steps – but I came to the conclusion this week that in order to truly feel good (physically and emotionally) I have do what is best for me/us.  The last few months have been a roller coaster and I have to keep working on feeling great for myself, for J and ultimately for our child (who I REALLY, REALLY hope we meet sooner rather than later).

And as my daddy tells me more often than I usually want to hear “This too shall pass . . .”  It will and when it all works out it will be wonderful. (I will admit I am incredibly impatient.)

And if you want to know what song that makes me cry it was originally by Fountains of Wayne but was covered by Katy Perry.  It is called Hackensack.  Honestly I have no idea why it pulls such emotion out of me – the only thing I can think of is there are certain lines that just resonate with me at the moment. Regardless I think it is a pretty cover.

 

Sorry if my posts seem repetitive – much has not changed.  But when it does I will be able to post more!

Here’s hoping we hear something soon!  =)

Ding Round Three

Third time isn’t a charm.

Unfortunately, this situation wasn’t better and in an emotional sense was much, much worse.  It is baffling how much emotion can go into a short amount of time and how quickly at the last moment everything can unravel.

So here we are nearly two weeks later.

We have continued on with our “normal” but it has been a challenge.

Reality is finally setting in on what happened.  It isn’t like I didn’t understand it or experience because I/we were there the entire time.  I guess I thought because there at the end I mustered up strength that I didn’t know I had that I guess I felt super human and could take whatever was thrown our direction.  (I knew at the time, however, that it was my unbelievable defense mechanisim that honestly I wish would show up more often.)

Yeah – I am not super human and those emotions I have managed to keep somewhat at bay are starting to seep through.

Honestly – my heart just hurts.   I told J. the other day that I was just so confused about how I feel – that I wasn’t devastated over the idea of having a baby – I was so extremely sad about the life of that little boy. I guess I am just  human for grieving the loss of potential.  I am just sad that that little boy wouldn’t get to meet our family, our friends – get to grow up with us.  That even when I feel like my life is disappointing  – that it is full of exciting and fun things that I had hoped to share.  As much as I tried to distance myself during the situation (trying my best to compartmentalize everything to hold myself in a “safe” place of emotion) I couldn’t deny that I loved that little boy and the opportunity we might have had.

(I realize some may be reading this have no clue what I am talking about.)

So here is an extremely BRIEF recap:

We were picked by a birth mother at the beginning of the month.  We were officially presented and matched a week later.  We spoke to the birth mom the following week and the baby was born a few days later.  We spent the next 48 hours in the hospital taking turns caring for the baby. At the conclusion of the 48 hours, right before papers were supposed to be signed, the birth mom asked for some requests that we found unique.  Basically we were asked by the mom to have legal papers stating visitation requirements and communication. (In open adoption adoptive parents sign an ethical agreement stating these things but it is not legally binding.  Once a child is adopted the adoptive parents are in charge of the child.) She also requested to have the child back in the event of death or divorce.  The caseworker informed her that could not be done because it was not legal.  In a nutshell it appears she wanted a custodial arrangement.  After some time she stated she could not go forward unless she had this arrangement.  Since the agency could not provide this legally and neither could we – we chose to leave.

There was nothing to be done (and isn’t) and while I know that apparently this was not for us it does leave us sad.

I can only chalk these failures up to bad luck – I cannot figure out another reason.  I don’t blame our agency – I mean do you really know a person, their intent, their wishes?  I can think of people I have known for years and it took several months for me to see the understand/know them – I cannot imagine working with women/families briefly and being able to determine if they are in this process for the long haul or their intentions.  It just doesn’t always work that way – especially in intense and emotional situations such as adoption.

I won’t lie, I don’t like being the anomaly (because from what I understand this (3 adoption failures) doesn’t happen often in our agency).  Some days I wish we were just waiting instead of getting picked on average of once a month only to be disappointed.  Then again I don’t know which is better or worse so all I can do is move forward and hope for the best.

J. and I have talked about it nearly everyday since it all happened and we will continue to pray for that little boy and move forward knowing that it all will work out for us.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support as we continue on our journey.  We love you all.

Birthdays

My birthday was Saturday. I normally like birthdays – especially my own.  Growing up my family always took such care to make sure my sister and I had a special day.  For me this meant even more to me since I was born on my mom’s birthday.  My mother always made sure that my birthday was special even though we shared our day.  (When I am being honest about it – I sometimes feel terrible for it because it always meant (and means) the attention is on me.)  But I loved (and love) the fact that share a birthday and to make it even a little bit better our birthday is the day before my sweet Grandpa’s birthday.  He has been gone over 10 years and I still never forget his birthday, I guess I feel that I MUST have been an early birthday present for him too.  (I guess I think highly of myself.  LOL Regardless – the fact that his birthday was the day after mine always makes my birthday special to me as well.)

I digress.  I usually love my birthday.  J plans things for my birthday full of themes and surprises.  (I guess I am still the princess.)

This is generally how I feel about my birthday:

This year though I just wasn’t feeling it.  After the last two months of disappointment I guess I just really wasn’t into another reminder that I am getting older and some days I feel we aren’t any closer to being a family of three than we were the day before. Work has felt strange and perhaps because of my lack luster frame of mind has been stressful. Dealing with insurance after Josh’s car got wrecked last weekend was another stress.  It has been a busy week – one of those weeks where I am not sure what I have done though I know I have worked at work and at home and I know I am tired.

I spent Friday cleaning for Saturday and starting working on yet another project for my not an office anymore room.  I discovered said project is going to take a lot more time to put together than it is to make the pieces.  My brother in law offered to help put it together and I told him I would probably take him up on that offer when I am ready to put it together.  Tying hundreds of pom poms on a rug is going to much more tedious and precarious that I imagined.  Saturday I was told to leave the house while J and my bestie decorated.  I did something I never do – I went shopping on my birthday.  I broke down and bought a book I have been waiting for well over a month for at Mardels, bought two pairs of flats at Payless (on clearance), treated myself to some brunch (I will call it that – it was 11 and we were supposed to eat hamburgers at 2)  in the form of McCallister’s Chicken and Dumplings (afterall it was a rainy, cool fall day after weeks in the 80s/90s), went to Target to pick up a few things and ended up at Penney’s buying some shirts for myself.  Both shirts matched my new shoes (yeah I know, I am weird like that).  My party was nice – it was a family party (My bestie is pretty much family so she counts too.).  We had yummy food, I got some thoughtful gifts and the nephews enjoyed each other (total there 7 nephews and 1 niece all in my house).   My party was a college/sorority party complete with my favorite college movie “Animal House”.

Later we went out to dinner to celebrate my mom (and yes I think I ate all day LOL) and then went home where I picked up the house a little and ended up in bed early reading my new book.

It was a much better birthday than I had thought it would be so I will take it (though I am ignoring that I am another year older – hehe).

And you never know things could change any day.