Ding Round Three

Third time isn’t a charm.

Unfortunately, this situation wasn’t better and in an emotional sense was much, much worse.  It is baffling how much emotion can go into a short amount of time and how quickly at the last moment everything can unravel.

So here we are nearly two weeks later.

We have continued on with our “normal” but it has been a challenge.

Reality is finally setting in on what happened.  It isn’t like I didn’t understand it or experience because I/we were there the entire time.  I guess I thought because there at the end I mustered up strength that I didn’t know I had that I guess I felt super human and could take whatever was thrown our direction.  (I knew at the time, however, that it was my unbelievable defense mechanisim that honestly I wish would show up more often.)

Yeah – I am not super human and those emotions I have managed to keep somewhat at bay are starting to seep through.

Honestly – my heart just hurts.   I told J. the other day that I was just so confused about how I feel – that I wasn’t devastated over the idea of having a baby – I was so extremely sad about the life of that little boy. I guess I am just  human for grieving the loss of potential.  I am just sad that that little boy wouldn’t get to meet our family, our friends – get to grow up with us.  That even when I feel like my life is disappointing  – that it is full of exciting and fun things that I had hoped to share.  As much as I tried to distance myself during the situation (trying my best to compartmentalize everything to hold myself in a “safe” place of emotion) I couldn’t deny that I loved that little boy and the opportunity we might have had.

(I realize some may be reading this have no clue what I am talking about.)

So here is an extremely BRIEF recap:

We were picked by a birth mother at the beginning of the month.  We were officially presented and matched a week later.  We spoke to the birth mom the following week and the baby was born a few days later.  We spent the next 48 hours in the hospital taking turns caring for the baby. At the conclusion of the 48 hours, right before papers were supposed to be signed, the birth mom asked for some requests that we found unique.  Basically we were asked by the mom to have legal papers stating visitation requirements and communication. (In open adoption adoptive parents sign an ethical agreement stating these things but it is not legally binding.  Once a child is adopted the adoptive parents are in charge of the child.) She also requested to have the child back in the event of death or divorce.  The caseworker informed her that could not be done because it was not legal.  In a nutshell it appears she wanted a custodial arrangement.  After some time she stated she could not go forward unless she had this arrangement.  Since the agency could not provide this legally and neither could we – we chose to leave.

There was nothing to be done (and isn’t) and while I know that apparently this was not for us it does leave us sad.

I can only chalk these failures up to bad luck – I cannot figure out another reason.  I don’t blame our agency – I mean do you really know a person, their intent, their wishes?  I can think of people I have known for years and it took several months for me to see the understand/know them – I cannot imagine working with women/families briefly and being able to determine if they are in this process for the long haul or their intentions.  It just doesn’t always work that way – especially in intense and emotional situations such as adoption.

I won’t lie, I don’t like being the anomaly (because from what I understand this (3 adoption failures) doesn’t happen often in our agency).  Some days I wish we were just waiting instead of getting picked on average of once a month only to be disappointed.  Then again I don’t know which is better or worse so all I can do is move forward and hope for the best.

J. and I have talked about it nearly everyday since it all happened and we will continue to pray for that little boy and move forward knowing that it all will work out for us.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and support as we continue on our journey.  We love you all.

Birthdays

My birthday was Saturday. I normally like birthdays – especially my own.  Growing up my family always took such care to make sure my sister and I had a special day.  For me this meant even more to me since I was born on my mom’s birthday.  My mother always made sure that my birthday was special even though we shared our day.  (When I am being honest about it – I sometimes feel terrible for it because it always meant (and means) the attention is on me.)  But I loved (and love) the fact that share a birthday and to make it even a little bit better our birthday is the day before my sweet Grandpa’s birthday.  He has been gone over 10 years and I still never forget his birthday, I guess I feel that I MUST have been an early birthday present for him too.  (I guess I think highly of myself.  LOL Regardless – the fact that his birthday was the day after mine always makes my birthday special to me as well.)

I digress.  I usually love my birthday.  J plans things for my birthday full of themes and surprises.  (I guess I am still the princess.)

This is generally how I feel about my birthday:

This year though I just wasn’t feeling it.  After the last two months of disappointment I guess I just really wasn’t into another reminder that I am getting older and some days I feel we aren’t any closer to being a family of three than we were the day before. Work has felt strange and perhaps because of my lack luster frame of mind has been stressful. Dealing with insurance after Josh’s car got wrecked last weekend was another stress.  It has been a busy week – one of those weeks where I am not sure what I have done though I know I have worked at work and at home and I know I am tired.

I spent Friday cleaning for Saturday and starting working on yet another project for my not an office anymore room.  I discovered said project is going to take a lot more time to put together than it is to make the pieces.  My brother in law offered to help put it together and I told him I would probably take him up on that offer when I am ready to put it together.  Tying hundreds of pom poms on a rug is going to much more tedious and precarious that I imagined.  Saturday I was told to leave the house while J and my bestie decorated.  I did something I never do – I went shopping on my birthday.  I broke down and bought a book I have been waiting for well over a month for at Mardels, bought two pairs of flats at Payless (on clearance), treated myself to some brunch (I will call it that – it was 11 and we were supposed to eat hamburgers at 2)  in the form of McCallister’s Chicken and Dumplings (afterall it was a rainy, cool fall day after weeks in the 80s/90s), went to Target to pick up a few things and ended up at Penney’s buying some shirts for myself.  Both shirts matched my new shoes (yeah I know, I am weird like that).  My party was nice – it was a family party (My bestie is pretty much family so she counts too.).  We had yummy food, I got some thoughtful gifts and the nephews enjoyed each other (total there 7 nephews and 1 niece all in my house).   My party was a college/sorority party complete with my favorite college movie “Animal House”.

Later we went out to dinner to celebrate my mom (and yes I think I ate all day LOL) and then went home where I picked up the house a little and ended up in bed early reading my new book.

It was a much better birthday than I had thought it would be so I will take it (though I am ignoring that I am another year older – hehe).

And you never know things could change any day.

I don’t even know what to say . . . or where to start

The title says it all.  I don’t know what to say or where to start.

I have messed with this post nearly 20 times over the past week and my feelings are mostly the same.

To sum it up:  I just feel really, really sad.

Last Sunday morning I woke up feeling frustrated that I was having to return to “normal” life yet again no different than before. (Bless my dog – he knew I was having a rough morning.  Next thing I realized he was sitting on the end of the bed on my feet and he never does that in the morning.)

The rest of the week I have just tried to stay busy.

For once in my life feeling “popular” doesn’t feel good.

I had hoped that after our experience last month of a failed adoption - that getting a call and a child being born on the same day (on a Wednesday) would bring forth a much better situation.  To our disappointment, we get a call the following Friday morning that our original meeting had been essentially pushed back to later in the day,  then spend 3 hours in a hotel passing time watching reruns, check out of said hotel, spent nearly 2 hours at a mall (that I am honestly shocked we were able to waste that much time at because it is not big),  get a call that there could be a change and then waited another nearly 2 hours meandering around town to be told that this situation was not going to go through as well.

Despite the fact that I have moments where I am sad, I don’t take this situation personally. As I have said before when you come down to it adoption is tricky and emotional.  Someone always experiences a loss (or at least disappointment) regardless of the outcome.  I also realize that there is little anyone can do until paperwork is signed and there are things that happen that we will never know about.  I also know that in adoption very little is in control of perspective adoptive parents and there will always be risk involved and in order to move forward you have to take risks.

In this particular instance my emotion is compounded by the simple fact that we just went through this a similar type of situation a month ago and so now . . . I don’t know how else to feel other than sad at the “what ifs”.  I mean I am sad about this situation but it is just piled on top of emotion that was present a month ago so this situation merely brings out the disappointment we just experienced.  Disappointments like this cause you to question lots of things, it can present a challenge to you spiritually, it makes you question yourself, your plans, etc. In some moments I struggle to believe that everything will work out (even though I know it will).

As much as I dislike disappointment and sadness I know the sooner we match again, the sooner could to meet our child and expand our family.

So what next?

For now we will continue with our adoption plan, discuss how we want to handle the next opportunity presented and make a decision from there.

In terms of everyday we keep going.  Like I said we have been busy everyday.  Life does not stop because you are disappointed.  We remembered that when J got rear-ended yesterday on the way to get me for a wedding.  Luckily we made it to the beautiful wedding for family friends and enjoyed spending time with people whom we don’t get to see as often as we like! Last night we took the son and daughter of a friend and my sister’s oldest son to a local jr. hockey game.  While there we ran into some sweet friends who graciously helped entertain the 4 and 5-year-old.  We got to reminisce and contemplate how busy we are we don’t get see each other much even thought we live in the same town.  Today is the usual Sunday routine of church (2 services -AM/PM), lunch with my family and a recital thrown in for good measure.  =)   All the while working on projects (I have about 4 going on at the moment and one has to be finished Tuesday.)  So yes you could say we are busy.

Even with disappointment this journey has shown me how blessed we are to have such support from friends and family and for that I am truly grateful.  We have received cards, phone calls and messages from so many people.  We are reminded that even in times that seem frustrating and disappointing we are blessed. Thank you so all so much!

Getting Creative

I have been working on a few projects for the room!   Since I finished the dresser I have been given a few things, bought a few things and made several things!

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I bought this lamp at Michael’s a little more than a month ago.  It was normally priced at $60.00 but it around 70% off and then I had an additional 20% off so I ended up getting it for under $15.00.  I wanted a big, “different” lamp and I think I accomplished that!


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My sister-in-law gave us this rocker recliner she bought when she was pregnant with her oldest son.  She decided she did not plan to use it in our niece’s room.  She offered to let us use it and of course I jumped on it!  It is comfy and I have loved it since she ordered it (I was there when she designed it).

The pillow I also got a Michael’s on sale and with a 20% off coupon so it ended up being around $7.00 when it was normally $30.00.  I love it when they have great sales!!!

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My mom made us a fan pull (because I am too short to reach it).  This picture does not do it justice – it is cute and sparkly.


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I sewed a cradle mattress cover to match the room.  Gender neutral of course!  It was my first attempt at making a cradle cover and it probably should not have taken me so long but I am proud of it none the less.

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I attempted to change the black mirror into a cream mirror.  I told everyone on facebook as long as you don’t look at it closely it looks pretty good!  (Haha)

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I gave in and bought this print at Hobby Lobby.  I have been looking at it for several weeks now and since it was half off I broke down and bought it.  It obviously won’t go on the dresser/changing table – I think it will probably go on the wall between the bookcase and the dresser but I haven’t quite made up my mind.

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I started working on a growth chart that will eventually go behind the door in the room.  The “blue” color is a little dark but I do like it so far! I have to distress it, glaze it, seal it and put hardware on the back to hang it but I am pleased with it!

So project wise I think we are making great progress!  This weekend I hope to start on a pallet project that I think will end up with a Dr. Who quote on it in the room colors.

Once we match and place, I also have plans for our child’s name on the wall but I can’t do that until later.  =)

 

IMG_5849Whenever I am in the room Fry always follows me in and crashes on the floor.  As you can see it is still a work in progress.