It is funny how life seems to go another way that what you think. I remember being in high school with all of these semi-grand ideas of how my life was going to be as adult and how much “fun” it was going to be. I distinctly remember my parents, especially my dad warning me that being an adult would not be as joyous as I was thinking. I remember kind of blowing him off and thinking “maybe you being an adult is not fun but me it won’t be that way.”
Don’t get me wrong – there are some aspects of my life that are awesome. And NO this isn’t a ploy for pity – this is me being matter of fact in regard to where I am at the moment versus where I thought I would be.
I have a great husband, family and friends. I enjoy my job even with its ups and downs. I like where I live – it is quiet and in a great location (now if I could just get severe weather to stay away . . . .). I have two silly dogs who I swear think they are human (or at least would like me to think so). I am not unrealistic – I have a blessed life. I have a roof over my head, not lacking in the food department, and even have a little extra to spend now and then if I want something new.
Which brings me back to my title . . . “If someone would have told me . . .”
For the most part I have fulfilled most of my “goals” if you will. I got married, have a house, have a successful career, and am ALMOST finished with my third degree. BUT if someone would have told me five years ago that I am not much closer to having children as I was then I would have thought they were crazy and quite honestly would have told them so.
I say this because it has taken me almost five years to come to terms with the current reality that I may never have children naturally. At one time that sentence would have sent me into state of tears that seemed to flow endlessly because honestly I just assumed I/we would. Honestly – the rest of our family does not seem to struggle with this. To be honest the majority of people I know personally or informally do not seem to have this problem so I just assumed that I/we were like everyone else.
Turns out that my usual way of doing things the “hard way” seems to apply to every aspect of my life. Admittedly I am stubborn and while I tend to be a people pleaser I also have a funny tendency to do things my “own” way even when there may be a blatant “easier way” than the way I planned.
So after a year of dealing with issues as a result of my gallbladder being removed, a year of dealing with a less than pleasant/helpful OB and finally getting referred by my GP I went to an RE. Almost a year and a half later we don’t know what is wrong. Two miscarriages in conjunctions of several months of medications, a test or two thrown in and even a surgery – there aren’t any answers. My diagnosis is essentially Unexplained Infertility. For all intensive purposes we are both “healthy” people with no medical reason to not have children naturally.
For a planner like me and answer seeker like me – this just does not sit well at all. Honestly if I had a reason I could rationalize and make decisions based upon that but there is no answer.
So why tell all?
When you have infertility and it appears that the rest of the world around you constantly moves and you are merely sitting still – frozen – you change. I am the same silly “little girl” in a lot of ways. I am still the “Sheldon” (Big Bang Theory Reference) of my groups of friends. But there are other instances where I was the energetic, silly short kid that I am no longer. No lie – it has been hard to be “that friend” who feels left out when all those around you are moving on and having their families and their lives are changing. To feel guilty when you are jealous of those with children when you have no idea why you do not. To constantly question why you lost “children” and others don’t. It is hard to explain a sadness, frustration and guilt when those around you have not had to deal with it. Infertility and loss is a “club” that no one wants to be in and you wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
So when I say I have changed – I have. In some ways for the better. While I know in some cases I have been incredibly quiet and withdrawn in other areas I am so much more aware of other’s struggles (with anything) and think I am much more open and in tune with emotions. I know I have made so many friends and grown closer with others through this. I know in the long run my faith will be much stronger than it was and I know as a person I will be so much stronger.
While I wish someone would have told me that I may not have children in five years and that I should have been planning a little more and not so focused on work and grad school – I/We do have a plan.
I have been encouraged to blog again – for many reasons.
1. I have met so many strong women over the course of the last few years through their blogs who have been my encouragement during my “journey” with infertility that I think I should be brave and share my story in some form and maybe give some encouragement to someone else going through their own struggles.
2. I think there are some family members who like to keep up with my projects and things I am doing.
3. And the last reason well….. You will just have to find out soon.