I don’t even know what to say . . . or where to start

The title says it all.  I don’t know what to say or where to start.

I have messed with this post nearly 20 times over the past week and my feelings are mostly the same.

To sum it up:  I just feel really, really sad.

Last Sunday morning I woke up feeling frustrated that I was having to return to “normal” life yet again no different than before. (Bless my dog – he knew I was having a rough morning.  Next thing I realized he was sitting on the end of the bed on my feet and he never does that in the morning.)

The rest of the week I have just tried to stay busy.

For once in my life feeling “popular” doesn’t feel good.

I had hoped that after our experience last month of a failed adoption – that getting a call and a child being born on the same day (on a Wednesday) would bring forth a much better situation.  To our disappointment, we get a call the following Friday morning that our original meeting had been essentially pushed back to later in the day,  then spend 3 hours in a hotel passing time watching reruns, check out of said hotel, spent nearly 2 hours at a mall (that I am honestly shocked we were able to waste that much time at because it is not big),  get a call that there could be a change and then waited another nearly 2 hours meandering around town to be told that this situation was not going to go through as well.

Despite the fact that I have moments where I am sad, I don’t take this situation personally. As I have said before when you come down to it adoption is tricky and emotional.  Someone always experiences a loss (or at least disappointment) regardless of the outcome.  I also realize that there is little anyone can do until paperwork is signed and there are things that happen that we will never know about.  I also know that in adoption very little is in control of perspective adoptive parents and there will always be risk involved and in order to move forward you have to take risks.

In this particular instance my emotion is compounded by the simple fact that we just went through this a similar type of situation a month ago and so now . . . I don’t know how else to feel other than sad at the “what ifs”.  I mean I am sad about this situation but it is just piled on top of emotion that was present a month ago so this situation merely brings out the disappointment we just experienced.  Disappointments like this cause you to question lots of things, it can present a challenge to you spiritually, it makes you question yourself, your plans, etc. In some moments I struggle to believe that everything will work out (even though I know it will).

As much as I dislike disappointment and sadness I know the sooner we match again, the sooner could to meet our child and expand our family.

So what next?

For now we will continue with our adoption plan, discuss how we want to handle the next opportunity presented and make a decision from there.

In terms of everyday we keep going.  Like I said we have been busy everyday.  Life does not stop because you are disappointed.  We remembered that when J got rear-ended yesterday on the way to get me for a wedding.  Luckily we made it to the beautiful wedding for family friends and enjoyed spending time with people whom we don’t get to see as often as we like! Last night we took the son and daughter of a friend and my sister’s oldest son to a local jr. hockey game.  While there we ran into some sweet friends who graciously helped entertain the 4 and 5-year-old.  We got to reminisce and contemplate how busy we are we don’t get see each other much even thought we live in the same town.  Today is the usual Sunday routine of church (2 services -AM/PM), lunch with my family and a recital thrown in for good measure.  =)   All the while working on projects (I have about 4 going on at the moment and one has to be finished Tuesday.)  So yes you could say we are busy.

Even with disappointment this journey has shown me how blessed we are to have such support from friends and family and for that I am truly grateful.  We have received cards, phone calls and messages from so many people.  We are reminded that even in times that seem frustrating and disappointing we are blessed. Thank you so all so much!

2 comments

  1. Drue Wright says:

    My heart continues to feel some of the hurt you are having. Sometimes words don’t seem to help at times like this. I just wish we lived closer so I could give you hugs. You stay in your grandma’s prayers!

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