Grief and emotion are funny. Each vary per person per situation and in my case “being fine” is in the eye of the beholder.
Nearly a month has passed. In some ways it has felt like an eternity and in other ways it feels as real and new as yesterday. I remember mentioning to my ladies bible class a few weeks ago that I had no clue how I would go each day and that I could not promise that my tough exterior would always be present – that my brooding, sad, quiet self would make an appearance. Apparently that is lately.
In my mind getting up each morning and showing up to work and continuing my life was a “win” if you will. After talking to a friend earlier this week I don’t know. My friend, well meaning, pointed out to me that mutual friends think I act mad at them and just unhappy. I asked her what else could I do – I am physically present, I do what needs to be done but I will admit that at this time going above and beyond like I normally do was just out of the question.
The person people normally see is there but I am just tired. I am not that hyper little girl I normally am who runs around taking care of every little thing/everyone. My favorite place to be at the moment is at home with the dogs and with J. The last few months have been emotionally exhausting – even my beloved hockey doesn’t always hold my interest (I cannot even remotely keep up with my NHL teams).
I may have moments when I am bummed out but I do what needs to be done. I go to work, to church, and we go to movies and hockey games. I make dinner, pick up the house and do laundry. I am functioning but I will be the first to admit that I am not my hyper self. Crafting, creating things, running around – just don’t sound fun to me at the moment. So with that thought I decided to take a day off this week to relax and sort out some of my feelings.
During my day off I made myself go into our backroom and actually sit (because I can count on one hand the amount of times I have set foot in that room in the last month). I replayed a song over and over that seems to bring tears to my eyes EVERY SINGLE TIME I hear it. I sat in the rocking chair and cried. It probably wasn’t as long as it should have been but it helped. The rest of the day I went back to making plans for the room. I worked on more adoption grants and spent the day resting with the dogs.
In an attempt to go back to normal (because I am not sure what “normal” has been the last three months) I have gone back to ordering fresh fruits and veggies from a co-op and have spent the last week trying new healthier recipes (though I did make brownies last night). Right now I am cooking a whole chicken in the crock pot (not sure how this is going to turn out). Small steps – but I came to the conclusion this week that in order to truly feel good (physically and emotionally) I have do what is best for me/us. The last few months have been a roller coaster and I have to keep working on feeling great for myself, for J and ultimately for our child (who I REALLY, REALLY hope we meet sooner rather than later).
And as my daddy tells me more often than I usually want to hear “This too shall pass . . .” It will and when it all works out it will be wonderful. (I will admit I am incredibly impatient.)
And if you want to know what song that makes me cry it was originally by Fountains of Wayne but was covered by Katy Perry. It is called Hackensack. Honestly I have no idea why it pulls such emotion out of me – the only thing I can think of is there are certain lines that just resonate with me at the moment. Regardless I think it is a pretty cover.
Sorry if my posts seem repetitive – much has not changed. But when it does I will be able to post more!
Here’s hoping we hear something soon! =)