Third time isn’t a charm.
Unfortunately, this situation wasn’t better and in an emotional sense was much, much worse. It is baffling how much emotion can go into a short amount of time and how quickly at the last moment everything can unravel.
So here we are nearly two weeks later.
We have continued on with our “normal” but it has been a challenge.
Reality is finally setting in on what happened. It isn’t like I didn’t understand it or experience because I/we were there the entire time. I guess I thought because there at the end I mustered up strength that I didn’t know I had that I guess I felt super human and could take whatever was thrown our direction. (I knew at the time, however, that it was my unbelievable defense mechanisim that honestly I wish would show up more often.)
Yeah – I am not super human and those emotions I have managed to keep somewhat at bay are starting to seep through.
Honestly – my heart just hurts. I told J. the other day that I was just so confused about how I feel – that I wasn’t devastated over the idea of having a baby – I was so extremely sad about the life of that little boy. I guess I am just human for grieving the loss of potential. I am just sad that that little boy wouldn’t get to meet our family, our friends – get to grow up with us. That even when I feel like my life is disappointing – that it is full of exciting and fun things that I had hoped to share. As much as I tried to distance myself during the situation (trying my best to compartmentalize everything to hold myself in a “safe” place of emotion) I couldn’t deny that I loved that little boy and the opportunity we might have had.
(I realize some may be reading this have no clue what I am talking about.)
So here is an extremely BRIEF recap:
We were picked by a birth mother at the beginning of the month. We were officially presented and matched a week later. We spoke to the birth mom the following week and the baby was born a few days later. We spent the next 48 hours in the hospital taking turns caring for the baby. At the conclusion of the 48 hours, right before papers were supposed to be signed, the birth mom asked for some requests that we found unique. Basically we were asked by the mom to have legal papers stating visitation requirements and communication. (In open adoption adoptive parents sign an ethical agreement stating these things but it is not legally binding. Once a child is adopted the adoptive parents are in charge of the child.) She also requested to have the child back in the event of death or divorce. The caseworker informed her that could not be done because it was not legal. In a nutshell it appears she wanted a custodial arrangement. After some time she stated she could not go forward unless she had this arrangement. Since the agency could not provide this legally and neither could we – we chose to leave.
There was nothing to be done (and isn’t) and while I know that apparently this was not for us it does leave us sad.
I can only chalk these failures up to bad luck – I cannot figure out another reason. I don’t blame our agency – I mean do you really know a person, their intent, their wishes? I can think of people I have known for years and it took several months for me to see the understand/know them – I cannot imagine working with women/families briefly and being able to determine if they are in this process for the long haul or their intentions. It just doesn’t always work that way – especially in intense and emotional situations such as adoption.
I won’t lie, I don’t like being the anomaly (because from what I understand this (3 adoption failures) doesn’t happen often in our agency). Some days I wish we were just waiting instead of getting picked on average of once a month only to be disappointed. Then again I don’t know which is better or worse so all I can do is move forward and hope for the best.
J. and I have talked about it nearly everyday since it all happened and we will continue to pray for that little boy and move forward knowing that it all will work out for us.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support as we continue on our journey. We love you all.